I have come to learn that Argentina has a way of doing things, that most porteños have grown up with some kind of system of how the bus works, that is to say, when to get up, when to sit down, how much money to put on your sube, which lines to not tell where you are going and which to simply glide by on the cheapest fare possible. When I arrived to Argentina, they just simply did not give me the complete guide to bus etiquette. I will proceed to explain the entire bus rundown.
The bus stop: For a new comer, even finding the bus stop can be a challenge because Argentine bus stops resemble post-it notes on a pole. The post-it note on the pole is a luxury because it is likely that someone has decided to gift themselves the post-it note on a pole, one inebriated night, and now the bus stop is tape, with unreadable handwriting on the side of a speed limit sign. It reminds me a bit of Easter egg hunting, in the most frustrating sense of the idea. To get an idea of what this looks like, I will provide a visual.
Payment:However, say you do manage to find your correct post it note, you can now find your way to the bus, you will now have to pay. Great, that seems simple. Wrong. If you don't have a sube card, you have to pay with coins. Simple enough? Wrong. There is a coin shortage in Buenos Aires, complete with various conspiracy theories to accompany, regardless, coming up with that 3 pesos in change is going to be a challenge at best. You will then notice that everyone has this lovely purple card that not only you can swipe (and go into debt up to seven pesos!) it is also HALF the price of the three pesos you would have muster up. So just where do you get this little gem of a card? Where else? The post office! But wait.. not every post office has them, and they frequently change locations and not only that, you have to wait in the endless line at the post office, so unless you have unlimited time, and patience, that gem of a purple card is going to take you an entire day to obtain. Obnoxious? I would agree.
The pregnant and the elderly: Okay, so you have now made it onto the bus, whether your sube worked or you had to sacrifice those sacred coins, you are on. Not only are you on this bus, there is a seat that you can sit in! So you sit in the seat right? Logical. Then you start seeing the entire bus dynamics changing as younger people get up for older people and 50 year old ladies get up for the pregnant lady and all of the sudden, there you are, surrounded by senior citizens and pregnant ladies. At this point, all you can do is hope that an enormously pregnant woman comes along, because then you must give up your seat and no one gets offended. But say you don't, and you end up with the border line senior citizen approaching the bus. Anxiety should now implode. You are on the brink of offending a man that is 65 because by giving him your seat you are essentially saying, you look ancient. So do you give up your seat? Offer? Either way, be prepared to be hit with an utterly offended middle aged person because your age guessing skills are absolutely impotent or with kindness because you hit the mark and the 65 year old just got a hip replacement.
The crowded bus: The worst, is probably when you manage to make it on an overly crowded bus. I have learned that the proper way of getting on this bus is not to mingle in the general standing area on the first floor but to go straight up the stairs to the upper level of the bus, where let me be clear there is no door. If you don't know where you are going, this is an absolute nightmare and you can pretty much just expect to end up in some unknown part of the city because you missed your stop. So, say you don't go to the upper end of the door, you have one of three options. You can a) stand by the door which means the door opens and closes ONTO you. B) You can stand in what would be about equivalent to the mosh pit at some concert whereby you are bound to fall because there is nothing to hold onto, and reap the wrath of an Argentine whatsapping. C) you sit on the handicap bars and just really hope that no one in a wheelchair gets on anytime soon. Option C is the best, but still not great.
In conclusion, I will be happy to never get on a bus again in Argentina. Chau Buenos Aires.
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